Thursday, July 3, 2014

Not in Control (Surrogacy Day 9)

I am a control freak, and you know what this surrogacy journey is teaching me / reminding me more than anything else?  I am NOT in control.

I know this is a weakness of mine.  In fact, it was one thing I prayed a lot about before embarking on this journey.  I wanted to be sure that this was in fact God's idea, God's way of blessing Adam & Natalie with a baby (or 2!) - and not my idea, not my way of trying to take control.

Well, God's having a good laugh at me now!  I am so NOT in control of any of this!

Even if these babies were conceived with a little help from science, and even if I'm on tons of hormones to make my body the perfect environment for them, there is NOT one thing I can do outside of God's will to ensure that this works.  I would like to tell you I am at peace about this, and sometimes I am, but it's a peace that I have to fight for every day.

I am so anxious for July 7th to get here!  Monday morning, I get to go in for the pregnancy blood test, and oh, I just can't wait to get that good news that all of us are praying for!!!  I probably will have my phone in my hand all day Monday waiting for the call after blood work is in!

I have been so hesitant to blog for these last few days, because there's not much to say except that we are waiting very expectantly, but I will say that I'm feeling increasingly confident...  I know that symptoms can be created from hormones alone, but I have never been so happy to experience heart burn, ab cramps, sensitivity to smells, general body changes, and "pregnancy brain!"

Ironically, or actually probably not ironic at all, but in God's perfect timing, we have been studying Abraham & Sarah's faith journey at church.  One of my favorite take-a-ways is that I have to let go of my "what-ifs" and focus on the "God-saids."  Working on that!

Until Monday...

1 comment:

Dara Stambaugh said...

God works in so many mysterious ways and is very gentle in the many ways that he teaches us that we are not in control and in how we learn patience. When I was first learning to deal with MS and all God was teaching me with it, I used the idea of hanging notes on a "tree" in my home that were daily blessings or things I hadn't been able to control that had turned out much better than if I had controlled them. Although the next few days will test your patience - always remember, God's will - will be done and your heart is in the right place and a lot of poeple love you!